Usually I try to make my posts pretty, this isn’t that pretty, just honest. Bear with me. 
I wish I could freeze time. Freeze my thoughts. Freeze my views. Freeze my world. Fly back to America & when I come back to Kenya, not a day or even a moment has gone by. I want to believe that going back to America is what God has for me. I want to believe that God has more to accomplish in my life in America. I know that He does. I know He does because He’s faithful. That doesn’t make my heart hurt any less. But it’s really hard for me believe that when God has made me love this place so much. I am so confused. 
I don’t understand why I would fall in love so deeply with a place that I would have to leave. I love that God made the world so big and beautifully. I love that there are so many parts of it for us to explore. The hard part of it being so big is that it allows me to have best friends that will live 8,000 miles away from me. I’m not sure how to process this. I don’t even know how to live like this. 
This wasn’t just a 2 week mission trip. There aren’t 5 kids names I’m going to remember. There is an orphanage of kids, an entire school of kids, a staff of teachers and a family that I know by name & very personally. Not to mention all of my best friends in Nairobi. How do I just move on with my life? What do I do about these people? 
My love language is time. Ask my friends. Ask my parents. I am so much happier when we’ve spent real time together. I show my love through time. I will make a date with you & keep it even if the rest of my day is filled to the brim with priorities. I absolutely love people. I love seeing people, I love hearing their stories and I love knowing them. My love language is spending time with the people in my life. So once again, how do I say goodbye to people that I love…that I won’t spend time with for possibly a year? 
I don’t even know how to answer that question properly. I have tears running down my cheeks just thinking about saying goodbye. Just thinking about how to find the words to say thank you for what they’ve given me this summer. Because I’ll never be able to pay them back what I owe them. I could give them all the money in the world but I could never give them their time. They gave me cooking lessons. They gave me Swahili lessons. They danced with me. They sang with me. They shared their homes with me. They shared their classrooms with me. They shared their hearts with me. They loved me. Immediately. From the beginning & without question. Surely, this is what Jesus had in mind when He spoke of believers fellowshipping together. 
2 weeks is just enough time for a short term mission trip. That’s what I decided was not enough so I came for 2 months this summer. But 2 weeks is all I have left. I don’t even understand how God could possibly love me this much to know that this summer was exactly what I needed. 
I’m so thankful that I get to spend my whole life making Him famous. 
I know that I still have time left & I should cherish every moment with joy and happiness. Trust me when I say that I am doing exactly that but I just had to be transparent with you guys tonight. I need prayer. Prayer for direction. Prayer for trusting Jesus. And I need prayer for these next 13 days…that will undoubtedly be filled with so many goodbyes. 
I’m sad today, yes, but most of the time I am just thankful. Because I couldn’t be sad if I hated this place, if I hadn’t of had the best summer of my entire life, if I didn’t love everything about this country (yes, even you ugali). I am so overwhelmingly, incredibly thankful. To my family, my friends, my supporters and my Jesus.

One thought on “Transparent.

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