“I’ve been absolutely terrified every second of my life- and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.” Georgia O’Keeffe
In pretty much every area of my life I feel as if I’m not good enough. I feel like I’m not a hard enough worker. I feel like my makeup is never as beautiful as it should be. I feel as though I’m going to ruin our trip to Kenya instead of plan it. I feel like my friends hate me because right now I can give them at most 1 or 2 days of my week. I feel really fat. Like I should really get to the gym.
I’m just in this constant state of not being enough for anyone.
I’m constantly thinking about where I will fail next. My fears about everything going on in my life are what consumes my thoughts.
Even the fun parts of my life start to feel like a chore. This blog. Makeup tutorials. Planning events with my friends. I feel like I’m going to screw them up anyways so I turn them into this thing that looks more like a chore and less like an opportunity to commune with Jesus in the ways that He has gifted me.
I’m not sure why I’m this way. I think the busyness
has a lot to do with it is why. I heard a spoken word artist named Propaganda say “multi-tasking is a myth, you ain’t doing anything good, just everything awful.”
That struck me when I heard it two years ago and it still strikes me today. I’m reminded that in my goal to do everything and be everyone for all the people in my life, I am failing them all. I am falling miserably below average. Below where I should be.
I cannot be enough for everyone. I cannot do it. And neither can you.
I can only be me. I can only do my best and work my hardest in all the parts of my life. But sometimes working hard means saying no. It means turning down clients, it means spending time with Jesus instead of filming a makeup tutorial, and it means asking for help when it feels like I’m drowning.
It also means admitting that I’m not enough. I know that now. I know that I’m not enough and that I never will be.
By admitting that my best will never be enough, I am enough.
It’s weird. Stay with me.
People don’t want every thing that you can possibly give. They don’t want you to be exhausted and drowning. They just want you. With maybe some wine & pizza & lots of talking & maybe a little tears.
People that are in your life are already affirming that you’re enough by being with you. By asking for your time, for your friendship, they are acknowledging your worth. You don’t have to do anything else to prove it to them.
What freedom, right? To know that I can just be with the people in my life. Show up where I’m supposed to be. And it will all be okay. To know that I’m not alone in this world and that being overwhelmed is a state of mind. I have a lot on my plate and a lot on my mind most of the time. But you know what’s the funniest part? Most of those things are completely out of my control.
So why am I worrying about them? Because I’m worried about failure. I’m worried that everyone will know my big secret. That I’m a fraud. That I’m really just as scared as everyone else and I have no idea what I’m doing.
Well now I’m telling you guys. I’m scared. So much of the time. I’m scared that our non-profit will completely fall apart. I’m scared that all of the sudden everyone will think my makeup looks like crap and quit hiring me. I’m scared that I’ll get fired from my day job (I work for my family so this fear is pretty irrelevant but hey, it’s me). I’m scared that all of my friends will see that I’m actually really weird, a little manipulative, and way too sensitive, and that they’ll all leave.
So here I am. I have a lot of qualities that define me and a lot of qualities that I make up about myself that don’t define me.
But I am enough. We all are. In the midst of the failure, you are enough.
Because Jesus stood tall, I am free to fall short.
Special shout to Glennon Melton for teaching me to vulnerable. She rocks.