I keep everything. I kid you not, I threw out the skirt I wore to MY 6TH GRADE FORMAL this week. It’s a poodle skirt. Why on God’s green earth would I keep a poodle skirt?
I still have clothes in my closet from highschool, including all my prom & formal dresses. I’m 24 years old.
People have to regularly remind me to get rid of things. Usually if I don’t see them for at least a year, I understand that I can part ways with them because I miss them…but not always.
So here I am admitting to the world, I’m a hoarder.
I read a story about another hoarder last month. He had tunnels in his house to get around because it was impossible to walk around. He was too surrounded by all his stuff to move around properly. One day one of the tunnels collapsed in and he couldn’t get out. He couldn’t get to food, he couldn’t ask for help, and when the authorities came to get his body, it took them almost two days to find his body. In his own house.
Could you imagine? The very things he had inside his house that made him feel whole, were the very things that killed him.
I’m not sure what to do with this information. It scares me. It reminds me of my own issues.
What in your life do you think is meant to protect you, is really killing you?
For me, for a very long time, it was my pride. It was my lack of honesty. It was my covering up my sin. I thought if I didn’t tell the world about my addiction, that I would be whole. Safer. Better. If no one could enter my little temple of life, no one could judge me, no one could hurt me, and best of all, no one could love me. I didn’t want people to love me. If they loved me, I would hurt them with my addiction. I didn’t want anything or anyone to touch my life.
Feeling nothing was so much better than feeling EVERYTHING.
Except it wasn’t. It was worse. When you hoard your sin, your life, and your secrets – you have to create tunnels of truth. Very calculated paths of how you will deal with people so they don’t find out the real you. So they don’t see who you are, what you’re really doing, and how you’re hurting.
This works for a while. It works until one tunnel falls in. You only need one part of your life to fall to accelerate the rest of it to fall into a thousand little pieces.
We feel like need to hole ourselves up in our little houses of pride, insecurity, fear, and anxiety. We think that they will keep us safe. We think that if no one knows that they won’t hurt us.
It’s all the opposite.
After posting my blog about addiction, I got so many responses. Texts, comments, messages, emails – just an outpouring of love. I never imagined that. I never knew what joy that freedom could bring.
That’s the thing with freedom, you can’t know what it feels like until you’re free.
Hoarding didn’t save me. It killed me. All my tunnels were closing in on me and I was suffocating. If you read that blog and some sort of addiction is aching at your heart, find your way out.
Get out of there. Stop hoarding your thoughts of not being good enough, of being too dirty, of fear, of anxiety, of anger, of hatred, get out of there and tell someone about your mess. Let them help you.
If you have no one, you have me. We can be screwed up, messy little humans together. I’m hugging you, making you tea, and we’re laughing at the Office because it’s funny and real life is hard.
All of us spend so much time trying to make our lives look perfect by covering up our sin and hiding but it never works. None of us have it together, literally none of us.We are all broken and hurting and wondering what the hell we are supposed to be doing. But we have to stop hiding that fact. We have to come to terms with the fact that it’s okay to not be okay.
Stop hiding. Stop hoarding. Be free. Tell your story. If you’re too scared to do it on your own, send it to me. I’ll do it on here and you can have strangers loving you until you’re ready to be open.
Jesus and I love you a lot. We love you no matter what. That’s the cool thing about Jesus, he didn’t leave anyone out. He didn’t say “come to me all those who are weary and need rest, EXCEPT those who struggle with sexual addiction, alcoholics, and anyone who sucks.” He said ALL. We’re all here.
But for real, get out of that house. It’s starting to stink and I think a dog might be lost in there. I bet she probably wants to be free too.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Love all of you. Let that light shine. That freak flag fly. Whatever. Just let it happen.