On life not being enough and always needing more coffee.

I’ve woken up almost everyday for the past 4 months exhausted. Just utterly exhausted.

I work 6 days a week in an effort to make money most of the time and do what I love some of the time.

It’s been an INCREDIBLE first wedding season as a makeup artist. I did my first wedding on July 19,2013 and in the fall I did 3 more. Then like some sort of a bomb went off, I was booked every weekend February-May. There was not one weekend where I didn’t do makeup.

It has been the biggest honor of my life. Sharing birthdays, proms, and weddings with my clients. I feel like I get to be this little part of their life that no one else gets, I get to make them feel beautiful and understand their beauty. I love what I do.

Also since February, I started a non-profit while also planning our non-profit’s first trip to Kenya. In case anyone wants to do this, I wouldn’t recommend it. Give yourself some time in between those two things. Also learn to ask for help. But I digress.

Anyways. From the outside, I’m sure my life looks like some sort of dream. And to be honest, it feels like that way sometimes too.

But then there’s the other times. There’s the times where I’m just so tired I could cry. Where I want to stop what I’m doing and lay on the couch and watch One Tree Hill. I don’t want any responsibility and I don’t want to be a source of information for anyone because it feels like I’m a source of information for everyone.

It’s like a side effect of blooming where your planted, you know? Getting flowers to grow is hard. You have to take care of the soil, plant the seeds, water the seeds, & make sure they get enough sunlight. But it’s not done after that. Even once the flowers have bloomed, you have to keep working. They still need good soil, water, and sun.

Sometimes I think that if my life is tiring or if I’m not happy all the time that my life isn’t enough. That I shouldn’t ever feel like I’m working. But sometimes, even when you’re doing what you LOVE, if it’s gonna feel like work and it’s not gonna be enough.

Stay with me, party people.

You know the quote “If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.” No offense to that quote, but that kind of seems like a joke to me. Because every aspect of every job, will have a part of it that isn’t fun. For example, being on hold for 30 minutes is not my favorite part of running a non-profit.

In the midst of all the fun and all the happiness, I sometimes wonder if this will be ever be enough for me. I am truly busier than I have ever been in my entire life. I have a lot of the things that I’ve wanted for a really long time.

This sort of feels like a humble brag. That was not my intention. So if you feel that way, punch me virtually in the face and then keep reading.

But what I’m saying is, you could get all your dreams. You could move to Thailand. You could open up a farm. You could go skydiving. You could open up a bakery, an orphanage, or even a substance abuse center. And it will never be enough. It will be enough for a little bit of time but you’ll get over the high.

Trust me. I have a very “GO, DO!” personality. If I want something, I’m gonna get it and no ones gonna stop me. Money might delay me, but nothing will stop me.

So I like to think that I get what I want out of life but when that THING, that one NECESSITY to my life has happened, I get over the high and I find something new. Because none of it will ever be enough forever.

And that is the best part. If nothing is ever enough then we will never be satisfied and we will never stop. We will keep pushing for something more, we will keep asking more questions, and we will keep going deeper.

“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

So today when you’re at home with your kids, at work, writing your blog, cooking your new recipe, drying your hair, or feeding the dog, and you just can’t stop dreaming, I hope that you won’t stop. I hope that you will dream a little longer and go a little higher.

And no I don’t mean this to encourage discontentment, sometimes when you have 3 mouths to feed and a mortgage to pay, there are some things that are gonna have to wait. But never stop wanting those things.

LIFE IS SHORT PEOPLE. God created this incredible, humongous, beautiful planet for us and if you live your whole life without doing one thing that is truly for you & Jesus, then I think you’ve missed out on some of his creation. Maybe your thing isn’t traveling like mine is but maybe your thing is baking or photography or wine making (there’s a bottle of wine on my desk #inspiration). But whatever it is, you NEED to do it. You need to find meaning in something other than yourself. You need to find something abstract that can’t be captured or measured or taught. You just need to get out of your house and do something more. Something that will never be enough but will also make you keep going after it like it could be.

The good thing about never being satisfied here on earth is that in pursuing our dreams & our loves, we get to see the way Jesus loves us without ever actually grasping HOW MUCH he loves us.

Makeup is such a passion to me, it’s almost embarrassing how much time I’ve spent learning about it. Jesus created my brain cells to understand makeup and color theory and PORES for goodness sake. He created and crafted my heart to love something so well. In that I see how He loves me but I will never see how much.

Please tell me you guys get me a little bit. Because I really needed to get this out to the world. That we might always be tired and life might not ever be enough but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep waking up every and keep going.

I don’t care if you have to save up for 10 years to start your bakery or move to Botswana or open a dance studio. You put that dream in your heart and you keep going. Don’t settle.

I’m with all of you, today. I am tired and I’m gonna need about 7 cups of coffee today but that’s okay because I got to spend the past 7 days with my best friends. Life is so worth it. Keep fighting for life, okay?

Okay I love everyone and I’m inspired and I also babbled so much. Thanks for making it this far.




One thought on “On life not being enough and always needing more coffee.

  1. I think there’s a misconception that people will reach some point in their life/career and feel like they’ve “arrived” or like they’ve made it and that it’s smooth sailing after that. But I think most older people will tell you that that never happens, and it seems like a good thing to me as long as you accept it. Like for me I know I’m going to finish my esthetician program and get licensed, but I know I’ll always be learning and building clientele, and that’s exciting. It’s the feeling of having no direction or not working towards something that leads to depression and anxiety. I guess I’m talking about kind of a positive spin to what you’re talking about with never feeling it’s enough or being satisfied. You can see it as a good thing or see it as “ugh I’ll never be where I want to be.” Anyway I’m rambling, but I really liked your post and it got me thinking 🙂

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