More, more, more.

I was eating a chocolate milkshake today. Yes I’m supposed to be on a diet, CALL THE POLICE!! And it was a baby size anyways. Like super baby size.

But, I digress. As I was eating my tiny shake, I couldn’t stop drinking it. Like I think most people take a sip and then do something and then so on and so forth. But anyways I drank that whole thing (again, it was tiny) in 5 minutes. 

Pretty much with shakes, I can’t stop drinking them. I just love them. But due to my slow metabolism and my slight lactose-interolance, I drink shakes very seldomly. Oh they’re also basically fat cells in a cup but whatever. 

So drinking mine today, I had a thought. That could have been a giant shake or a miniature one and I would have pretty much felt the same afterward. The taste is the same regardless of the size, it’s a just a matter of how much I think I need.

Side note: this is for pretty much any food ever. You don’t need the whole piece of cake, one bite will be just as good.

But it’s the possibility of more, the getting AS MUCH AS WE WANT, that makes us humans super size and go for the large.

No one needs a large fry. Literally NONE OF YOU NEED THAT. 

The funniest thing about these foods, that come with a value size option – is that these are the very foods that will leave us STARVING later. They are literally made to trick our brains into thinking we’re full of crap and then we’ll be hungry again in 2 hours.

But this isn’t a post about food.

This is about running to things we think we need to make us feel better. We make justifications for JUST A LITTLE BIT of the milkshake instead of the whole thing. We get our fix and we’ll come back for more when the time comes.

But the problem is that we will never have enough. Our fix will never hold us over and that little chocolate shake will turn into a chocolate shake swimming pool (let me have my dreams, people).

The bad parts of life trick us this way too.

Just a little bit of alcohol, just a little bit of porn, just a little bit of something to make us feel better. 

But none of them ever will.

If you are an addict you know this. A relapse is the same whether you have one drink or you get blasted drunk. Responding to that tiny little voice in your head that’s saying “just this once” will open a door to a full on flood of addiction all over again.

The roller coaster will begin again. Because one drink will never be enough. 

Whatever you think can sustain you, will not. Food will eventually lose it’s taste, there will never be enough alcohol to numb the pain, and porn will never be the real thing.

No addiction will ever sustain you. It’s very chemistry is meant to destroy. Addictive qualities target the neurons in your brain. They get you so hooked on this thing that your brain creates more brains cells that will need this thing. And when they don’t get what they want, you will be in real, physical pain.

And after our brains go through it, our heart goes through withdrawal. Our hearts cannot be silenced by drugs or therapy. Sometimes our hearts are just…broken. 

Beneath all of the alcohol, drugs, porn, lies, gambling, whatever – is this need. This need to feel important, to feel worthy, and this need to feel loved.

We as humans need it so badly. Our addictions help us mask them but once they’re gone, once we’re fully exposed, we have got some crap to deal with. 

I’m in this phase. I’m coming clean with my very, very, broken heart. I thought the hard part would be coming clean with my addiction but learning that I’m a hurting human being has been gut wrenching.

Because I fail, I give in, I forget who I am. I forget what I have in my life and instead I dwell on what I don’t have, what I’m missing out on. 

It sucks knowing that nothing will ever be enough. Wherever you run when your broken, if it’s not Jesus, it will never fill you up. It will never heal that heart of yours. I know it sucks, I wish we could fix ourselves but at the same time, I’M SO GLAD WE CAN’T.

Can you imagine? A world where we are responsible for our own fixing, we would fail miserably. We would fall so far below what is even acceptable. 

Another picture of God’s grace. He helps break the bonds of addiction because we will never be able to.

And if you don’t think you’re an addict, you’re wrong. An addict can spot an addict and I’m looking at you. It may not be something obvious, maybe your comforts are hidden. Maybe you’re a slave to technology – getting love from the others on the internet. Maybe you’re a slave to that relationship – getting love from someone who actually makes you feel insecure. Maybe you’re a slave to something less obvious like work/laziness/clothes/starbucks(me)/whatever – getting love from something that can never love you back because you’re too scared to actually be loved. 

I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite people, Meredith Grey.

“I have an aunt who whenever she poured anything for you she would say ‘Say when.’ My aunt would say ‘say when,” and of course, we never did. We don’t say when because there’s something about the possibility, of more. More tequila, more love. More anything. More is better. There’s something to be said about a glass half full, about knowing when to say when. I think it’s more of a floating line, a barometer of need. Of desire. It’s entirely up to the individual, and it depends what’s being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there’s no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless… all we want is more.” 

We’re gonna always want more, people. Jesus is the only thing that will satisfy. So you might as well just go to him. 

Love,

Crissy

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