You’re not okay until you are.

fog

While we were in Kenya this year, one of our team members got sick. She was having intense stomach pains and couldn’t stand up because it was so intense.

We took her to a local doctor only for them to give her an incredibly strong sedative and send us on our way to the big hospital.

No big deal, I love big hospitals, especially when I’m in foreign countries. The only problem was this this hospital was a good 40 minutes away.

It was 1 in the morning in Naivasha.

For this area, this means fog. A lot of fog.

Winding roads? Scary. Driving at night? Scary. Driving in fog? Scary. All three at the same time? Terrifying.

But Uncle Ben pulled through and we got Jordyn to safety. She was just fine.

The fog scared me the most. Of all forms of weather, I think fog is the worst. I don’t live up north though, so I don’t even know what snow must be like.

But for where I live, driving in fog really freaks me out.

The unknown. I hate it.

With fog, you can’t see something until it’s right in front of you. Good or bad. You cannot see what’s coming until it has already arrived. You cannot make sound decisions with fog, you must go with instinct – fight or flight.

Most of the times, I like to think my instincts are right. But sometimes, especially in the fog, they are wrong. Sometimes the fear is so strong that no answer seems correct so I go with the one that will work the best in that moment.

But the moment answer is not always the right answer. The right answer sometimes goes against our natural instincts. We choose to run from our problem when in reality if we had faced it head on, it actually would have turned out better.

You don’t know where you are until you do. You don’t know what you’re going to hit until you hit it.

The fog makes everything, EVERYTHING seem dangerous. A stop sign. A car. A bush. Your view becomes so distorted that nothing seems safe anymore.

The mistrust, the fear, the doubt – it all comes with the foggy territory. And the worst part is right when you’re in the middle of trusting no one – you trust someone you shouldn’t. Because the fog. It clouds you.

A red light seems yellow. A lake seems like a road. A person who shouldn’t be in your life seems like someone who should.

And then one day you wake up and the fog is gone. You don’t know you’re out of the fog until you are.

So not only can you see again but you can feel again. You feel the good and the bad. The good things become real again but the bad things become wounds. You feel them more than you’ve ever felt anything.

The decisions you make in the fog don’t dissipate as quickly as the clouds do.

You realize that you are not okay.

Easy tasks seem hard, colors are so bright that they hurt, trusting people again feels like a dream or even a nightmare.

Nothing seems okay anymore. The fog is gone, yes, but now everything can be seen clearly.

And it all hurts.

In the middle of the not being okay, I want you to know that you’re right where you’re supposed to be. You’re working on it. You’re healing. You’re not okay and that’s okay.

One day food will have taste again. One day life will have joy again. One day you’ll be able to really love people again and you’ll mean it.

You’re not okay until you are.

And that’s just fine.

You are out of the fog. You deserve some praise for that. You made it through. Yes, you got some bumps, bruises, even major wounds but you are still alive. You are still here and your story still matters. Keep going.

Don’t let the fear of the fog keep you from the journey. The journey is worth it and the journey is better. There is more out there and I want you to see it.

Remember that forgiveness is a discipline, not a feeling. It will take work to forgive yourself, forgive people, and forgive life. But that shouldn’t stop you from doing it.

Be patient with yourself. Love yourself.

xo,

Crissy

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