Alone but together.

EVOLUER-Group-of-women-holding-hands-backlit-sunset-1

“The thing to remember is if were all alone,
then were all together in that too.” –
P.S. I Love You 

Well now we’re here. It’s been enough time. Your friends are sick of hearing about this problem. You’re sick of hearing about this problem. You’re sick of thinking about him or her or them or whatever.

YOU SHOULD BE BETTER, DAMMIT.

But you’re not.

Why not? What isn’t working? Why can’t you move on?

How do you break the mopey, funky, sadness that is so encapsulating?

I don’t know.

Oh goodness, you wanted an answer didn’t you? I don’t have one. I don’t have an answer for you because I’m not out of it. I’m still not whole. I’m still not healed and I don’t know why.

I want to just go one day without thinking about it. I want to be my old self again. I WANT TO BE FRIGGIN FREE.

But for some damn reason I’m not. For some reason I’m still carrying these chains. I don’t have a ton of answers for you on how to heal. I only know what I do and somedays it works and somedays it doesn’t.

Exercising really helps. Like I said before, dancing really helps. Sometimes food helps (sorry).

People REALLY help. Talking about it with people who truly won’t get sick of you are really important. Cause I am the most obsessive person I know and I’m not great at letting things go. Maybe ceremonial burning of clothes or a diary or something? That seems like it would help.

Understanding your worth is what I’m working on the most. Because maybe if I know that I can be whole on my own, I won’t feel so empty anymore. Maybe if I can understand that I have the power to steer my future, I won’t feel so helpless in what happens to me.

But right now I’m smiling when I feel like it and not smiling when I don’t feel like it. I think it’s important not to fake it or act like I’m something I’m not. I still feel angry and bitter and lonely and sad and all of those negative things. I still don’t feel better yet. But I WANT TO BE BETTER.

Sometimes I think that there is this better version of myself out there and I’m missing out on her.

But what if this version of me is just fine? What if hurting me is just as beautiful as not hurting me? What if I am whole even if I don’t realize it?

The sadness, the anger, the pain – what if it’s a part of me and that’s who I am right now and that truth is enough?

Right now, those feelings are my truth and that’s just fine I think. Part of this journey has been sharing my heart with the internet and it’s been one of the best things ever.

Apparently I’m not the only one that’s hurting right now. I’ve gotten so many messages from people who feel the same way, people who have so much pain but couldn’t put it into words. And they weren’t looking for a perfect answer on how to get better, they were just looking for a ‘me too.’

So here I am. Me too. I’m with you. You’re not alone.

If you can’t get over someone or something, that’s okay, I can’t either. You’re not an idiot, you’re not weak, and you’re not broken. You are just you and this is the way that you are dealing with something.

That’s fine. Life will still be there when you’re ready to come back.

And all of us hurting will be here for you until you’re ready to face the world again.

None of you are alone. We’re all messy and broken and beautiful and it all works.

If you came here for an answer out of your funk, I’m sorry that you didn’t get one. All I can tell you is that life is never meant to be done alone so just don’t go through your funk alone. If you don’t have anyone, you have me. Message me, text me, whatever. Whatever you need, I got you. Sometimes you don’t need someone to tell you it will be better, or that they’re sorry for you, or some sappy speech. Sometimes you just want your pain validated because your pain is yours and it’s real and it sucks.

So I’m with you and all that stuff really sucks. I love you.

Also, you’ll get through this. I know it feels suffocating and it feels like YOU NEVER WILL but I promise that you will. Don’t give yourself a timeline for healing, we’re all different and we all work in our way. Just keep going.

Thanks for reading,

Crissy

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