The past.

clock

I really hate social media sometimes. 

I’ve said that before and I’ll say it again.

Today I hate it because right when I’m done thinking about someone, when I’m really starting to get over him…he likes a post. That little notification makes my heart cringe.

Cringe because I wanted him to like ME, not a picture I post on the internet. For so long, I wanted his affirmation that now only comes through a screen. So impersonal. It’s so easy to click “like” – it’s the opposite of real, true attention and affirmation.

And it’s not real. None of it was real. And that “like”, that “like” that probably seems harmless to him, it takes my breath away.

And not in that Disney movie kind of way. It’s like when you’re on the monkey bars, full of adrenaline and hope and excitement and then you fall. And you land on your chest. And for a moment you are sure that you are going to die. The breath is literally knocked out of you, for a moment your lungs forget what to do. But then as if nothing happened, your breath returns and you can walk again. You are okay.

So it’s like that for me today. It knocked the wind of out of me. But it did not kill me. Which I think know is progress. I didn’t click on his profile. I chose not to linger on something that is not there.

The past is there for a reason. A lot of people compare breaking up with someone as that person dying. Often when people die, other people try to find answers and a meaning for their death, it helps with the grief I guess. But finding answers won’t make that person any less dead.

In the same way, looking back at the past won’t make it any less of the past. It is behind you and it’s not coming back. 

We look to the past for answers that are not there anymore. Their context simply does not apply to today. Take if we were studying science – for example, an answer from 1900 would not be the solution to a question today. Because times have changed. Life is different now. The 1900 answer would only be correct in 1900.

Our lives don’t always look the same. We cannot go back and look for something that we will never find. We cannot find it because we are not in that place anymore. 

For so long, I thought something would change and I wanted answers. And now, months later, I have my answer. It didn’t come from his words. His lack of words gave me everything I needed to know. 

Most people need some closure for their brains to tell them to move on…well honey, this is me giving you closure. It’s been months. Time has passed on. You’re not going to get an answer out of him or her and you’re not going to know all the reasons why it didn’t work out. At least not today. These months of silence? These months are your answer.

Sometimes we think that life might be different if it had worked out, that’s true – life might be different. But if we spend all of our time picturing what our life could be, we will miss what our life is.

Our lives are good. Our lives are full. Our lives are beautiful.

They are also scary and frustrating and messy.

But damn, they are beautiful.

The past happened. He happened. It’s okay. He’s not in control of you anymore. Keep telling yourself that until you believe it.

Time heals all. If you’re still hurting, that’s okay. Give yourself time and grace.

Healing is coming, I promise.

Love,

Crissy

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