The sorry that you’ll never get.

Often times in life, people hurt us. They hurt us in such a way that sometimes we need our pain to be validated, we need them to know just how much they hurt us and often we want them to feel it too…or maybe even worse.

“Pain demands to be felt.” – John Green

We have to feel the pain caused by others, we have no choice but to endure it and work through it but most of the time people are pretty unaware of how badly they have hurt us because they are not us, simply said, they cannot feel what we feel.

If you read my blogs from late 2014-most of 2015, they were all pretty intense and mostly about healing. They all stem from one dude. This is the guy that all of my friends know about because he is the one that hurt me the most, I’ve never been hurt this way by a person before and I truly hope to never experience it again.

The worst part wasn’t him hurting me, it was that he hurt me and then left me in the dark. He never once acknowledged the pain that he caused in my life or even tried to apologize for it. He acted as if life was normal and went on to like my social media posts and view my snapchats as if we were good ole friends.

While I sat back heartbroken trying to put together what he broke.

He left me with scars that I didn’t know how to heal.

It’s sort of like if you get a cut or scrape, you know to put neosporin on it and put a band aid on it.

What if you don’t? It will leave a scar and the skin cannot grow back healthy.

Essentially he left me with these deep emotional wounds and no bandage. He left me open because I didn’t know how to close the door. We never had some fight or break up or even an acknowledgement of the time we spent together.

It started to feel like I made it all up in my head. Like really I was the author of my own demise and maybe I would never heal from it because I couldn’t get closure.

I cannot tell you how badly I just wanted him to say sorry, to fix it. I NEEDED that sorry to move on with my life. I felt so used by him, so thrown away, so meaningless. Healing after being broken like that was without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I had no closure, no ending, not even an understanding of what our time spent with each other was. This made processing through it and healing, so difficult.

Imagine cleaning up a stain in the bathroom but not knowing what the stain is, you’re not going to find the right products to clean it up, it’s going to take forever. Eventually you’ll get bleach and and it’ll be clean again but it’s gonna take some work and some elbow grease.

Now don’t hear me wrong, please don’t use bleach to clean up your personal life. It won’t work out.

But when we have to heal from someone who doesn’t want to admit they’re wrongdoing, it’s gonna take a lot. It’s gonna take strength, courage, and wisdom. You need to be strong enough to know that you are okay on your own, without the validation of another human; you need to have courage to move forward into new friendships and relationships even though it’s scary; and lastly, you need wisdom to learn from the situation for the future.

Pain is a sucky thing and it’s even suckier when people in our life cause it.

And while it demands to be felt, it doesn’t have to be felt forever.

Let yourself feel it though, be sad/mad/whatever. I want you to process through these emotions because the scars that people leave on us can and should teach us.

I’m sorry to you for this person who left you without explanation or apology. You deserve more and you deserve better. Whether it was a friend or a relationship, there is no fun way to heal from that. It always freakin sucks.

But I will be the first one to tell you, that the pain that I felt after this guy hurt me launched me into one of the best years of my life. Through that pain I found my voice, I found out who I was, and I began walking in my own truth. I found, maybe even created a newer and truer version of myself and I haven’t looked back since. 

I don’t thank him for anything but I’m sort of glad he’s an asshole (lol tell that to 2014 me) because had he been nice and warm and apologetic, I might have gotten myself manipulated by him again.

The wreckage that he left my life gave way for me to build a new story.

So go for it, tell a new story.

Crissy

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