Falling apart.

“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.” ― Suzanne Collins

Sometimes the moments that break us can be pinpointed on a map, sometimes they are moments strung together to create one giant spiral downwards.

With me, it’s similar to a string of fires that eventually explode. Fire in the living room? We’ll put it out. Fire in the bathroom? We’ll put it out.

Then the house explodes. And everything comes crashing down. The lies I’ve been telling myself become clear and everything I thought I knew, was wrong.

I trusted him. I told him everything. He knew me.

We laughed. OH MY GOSH, did we laugh. All the time. Hours on the phone, waiting by the phone, or staring at the phone.

I just wanted him to know me. To care about me. To validate me.

And he did. He knew about my family, my past, my interest, my work. He knew it all.

He called me pretty and funny and wonderful and all of the things that I’ve always wanted to feel, I felt with him.

I trusted him.

And I knew him. His family, his past, his future, I knew it all.

And he made me laugh. All the time.

If I wasn’t talking to him, I was thinking about him. Checking all of his social media, you know just to see if he posted or if he was doing something.

I was addicted to this person. That I had never met. Social media apps are all the rage for meeting people these days.

It didn’t start out like that, though. He just followed me back and then messaged me and we were friends for a long time. Then the word date got thrown out there and I was hooked. Like a fish on a line. I took the bait.

And he made me laugh. All the time.

After a couple months of talking everyday, I decided that I had to meet this man. This man that knew a side of me that not many people knew. I just had to know if he was as wonderful in person.

And he was.

And he made me laugh. All the time.

That first night with him was a little nerve wracking and funny and awkward and wonderful. And his friends were wonderful. It was all wonderful.

When he called to hang out the next day, I leaped. Heart eyes emoji, for sure.

I spent the whole day with him and his friends. Drowning in laughter, whiskey, and board games. The afternoon turned to evening and I knew I wasn’t leaving until the sun came up. But everything would be okay because I trusted him.

And he made me laugh. All the time.

I was always the smart girl. I never dated. I never wasted time on guys that didn’t matter. I was the girl who everyone looked up to for staying so pure and being so good. But I wasn’t good or pure…it was just that no one ever wanted me. I never had the opportunity to say no. I always wanted it, but no man ever showed interest.

But he did. And he knew me. He knew my heart, my dreams, my worries, my fears…He knew all of it.

I just knew that he cared about me. Circumstance has our lives thousands of miles apart but I thought surely…all of this effort cannot be without waste, right? Who would call and text everyday if they didn’t want something more. He knew my heart. He wouldn’t hurt a girl like me.

And he made me laugh. All the time.

But he didn’t want anything more.

He said the words that I knew were there but I chose not to think.

“You are incredible. You are smart, funny, and so gorgeous but I don’t want a girlfriend right now.”

And in the pitch black while I stared at him and he was staring at the ceiling, I sheepishly responded, “Oh, I know!”

Brushing it off as if I too only wanted a warm body and not a warm soul.

I spent the whole next day with him and his friends. Pretending that everything was fine and that we would still be friends and nothing would change.

Once home, I learned that it was in fact, all a trick. The texts slowed down and the phone calls never came. He got what he wanted (or part of it, I guess) and he would go on to the next body.

Cause that’s all I was to him, a body, not a human.

He was so wonderful in so many ways that I chose to not see the parts of him that I knew would never work with us.

And he made me laugh. All the time.

I was so blinded by his words that I didn’t see his true character.

I gave him something that I’ll never get back.

My trust.

I trusted him. I trusted who he was and I trusted his words. Every single syllable he ever spoke to me sticks to my memory like honey. I trusted that he wouldn’t hurt me because he knew me.

I thought if he knew who I was, he wouldn’t treat me like all the other girls that had come before me. I thought if he knew that I was different, that I would be worth more to him.

I trusted him so much.

I have so many questions but honestly he’s answered all of them in his actions. My phone doesn’t light up with his name anymore. I probably won’t ever his voice again.

His silence speaks louder than any answer ever could.

I trusted him.

I trusted people. I trusted men. I trusted words.

He broke me. He made me want him and hate him all at the same time. He turned me into one of those stupid, idiotic girls that you see in movies.

He made me believe he cared. I trusted him.

I can’t ever imagine letting someone in again. That feels so foreign. The thought of butterflies and excitement and laughing. Laughing feels so foreign. Because now all I do is question. How could someone want my soul? How could someone want me for more than a warm body? How will I ever know if someone is being genuine again?

I hate that he’s made me question everything I ever knew about relationships.

I hate him.

The reason I hate him the most is that I gave him power over me. If he called me right now, I would answer. If he came to see me, I would open the door. I hate that I gave him power over my validation. I hate the person he made me.

And most of all, I hate myself for letting him do it. I knew what I was doing and I was okay with all of it because I trusted him.

And he made me laugh. All the time.

He made me so damn happy. And I hate him for it.

I’m writing this so fresh that I don’t know if I’ll ever post it. If I’ll ever be whole enough to tell the world that I’m not the girl I used to be. That I fell and I fell hard. That I’m falling apart.

I hope that one day, a new Crissy will exist. A stronger one. And that she will post this and she will be free.

And I hope that maybe the tears will have stopped.

For now though, this wound is still fresh. No new skin has formed and the blood has just barely clotted.

I cry everyday. Everyday I’m reminded that I chose to share myself with someone who saw me as a paper towel. Someone who used me once and threw me away. I’m reminded that I believed him and his lies and I REALLY thought that he was a nice guy.

I so wanted a relationship and to be validated that I traded myself in for a cheaper model. A cheaper version of myself that would put up with someone who would treat them like that. I cheated myself. He cheated me.

His words, His voice, His warmth, it was all a counterfeit trade in for what I deserve.

I hope that when I post this I know that. I hope that the Crissy who posts this essay never forgets what she’s worth. I hope that she’s never talked to him again and I really hope that she’s stopped checking his social media profiles.

I’m not there yet. I stalk and I cry and I wallow. I’m a mess. I’m a shell of a person I once was. I’m so numb and empty. I used to be so different. I used to be so strong.

I don’t know if I’ll ever post this but for now it feels good to write it out.

________________________________________________________________

A very long time ago I wrote this. I wrote this fresh in my pain because I was so hurt and I didn’t know any other way to heal but I wanted to remember this pain. I wanted to remember what it felt like to be broken after I had become whole.

I’m posting this today because I’m so proud and happy to say that the Crissy who wrote this is no more. The broken, sad, and empty Crissy that wrote this is a girl that I remember but not a girl that I know anymore. I am so happy to tell her that I don’t check his profiles, I’ve never spoken to him again, and I’ve remembered my worth.

I’m also posting this today for those of you that are fresh in your pain. Maybe you feel like you won’t be whole again or maybe you feel like you’ve never stop crying or maybe you just feel empty, I want you to know that a day will come that you will be strong again.

And not only will you be over this but you will be BETTER than you ever thought you could be.

You will wake up one day and all of the sudden you won’t cry that day, you won’t even feel the urge to talk to them that day, and most of all – you will feel whole all on your own one day. You will truly understand what it means to stand on your own two feet and not feel like you’re going to fall over.

The shell of the girl I was has cracked open and fallen off. I am free of her. While I remember that girl, I am not her anymore. I needed her though. I needed that pain to exist in my life to push me to who I could be now. So in these moments of weakness, welcome that pain into your life. Let yourself feel it. Pain is okay. It’s necessary.

You need to face that pain head on so you can figure out to heal from it. You can do this. It’s possible.

It might take a couple months, it might take a year, whatever, but it will happen. You got this.

I’m so happy to say that a new Crissy does exist, she is posting this because she is strong and she is free.

Thanks,

Crissy

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